Growing in Age, But Not in Love…

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Sunday 14 April 2013

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I am twenty-five. And the majority of my friends have begun the process of love and marriage… of happiness. Many of them have already had two kids, even three.

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I… have not.

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As the years of my life go by, I wonder why I have not experienced such joy… Why I am downhill towards my thirties and have not met the man with whom I will have my children. At the rate which I have seen around me, I’m running behind if I am in my late twenties. It seems that everybody is procreating.

In finding a permanent lover, I suppose my bar is set a little high. I have had plenty of opportunities… but after feeling it out, potential of “the one” wasn’t in any of them. And so I choose (repeatedly) not to explore the option from the beginning… Are my standards too high? Does the “man of my dreams” even exist…? As the years of my life go by, I wonder if I am becoming a squandered old maid, as my father has assumed…

Fortunately, I inherited physical beauty through my family line. I’ve been told that my eyes are stunning to look into, and even once that they held every color of the rainbow when lit by the sun. I’ve been encouraged by many to become a hair model… and have also been given a few compliments to model my hands (random, I know).  I’m lucky to say that with a high metabolism, my body keeps athletic and thin (sans working out). My stomach is tight, my breasts are large, and the tone of my skin is an olive tan the entire year ‘round. So, do I not have the physical qualities that are desirable in a woman? I have never been one to sleep around, but as the years of my life go by, I wonder if I’m waiting too long to show somebody my body. I may never be this beautiful again…

I don’t want to sleep around. I want to meet this man of my dreams, fall madly in love, [get married] and then build a family. I want to set a solid foundation for a healthy relationship with this person, so the child can be given much love. I want to find someone who will fight through the struggles of a relationship with me. I want a man who will desire only me, as I will him. Someone who will treat me well and support me during life’s endeavors. I refuse to have a child until a find a suitable man to stick with me in the adventure.

As the years of my life go by, I wonder about all the men who weren’t according to my standards. All of the experiences I went through… only to get nowhere. It turns out that I was fortunate to have escaped those relationships. My failed attempts serve as a lesson learned. And not until they were over did I realize who I’m looking for…

As the years of my life go by, I conclude that I will find the right man… wherever he may be hiding. I will have youth through my forties, and does it matter that I do not have a child yet? Call it a personal choice. Because I have confidence at where I am in life… I have my own activities to focus on. And besides, I do not have the mental maturity to raise a child, the proper resources, or a companion to help me through the process. I may not be growing any younger and my heart does melt at the thought of having a family, but simply put: The love of a husband and a child are not in my near future…

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BUT

as each day of my life goes by, I remember that I could fall in love at any moment…

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© 2013 by Stephanie Himmelman. All Rights Reserved

No part of my writing may be reproduced, published, distributed, copied or displayed.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Growing in Age, But Not in Love… | HIMMELMAN MANUSCRIPT
    Apr 14, 2013 @ 11:39:12

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